All of our connections are relationships, whether they are intimate love relationships ,friendships or acquaintances. And every relationship is an opportunity to learn. Nothing pushes our buttons like those that we love, care about, respect or fear judgement from. This could be a husband, girlfriend, boss, teacher, colleague or best friend. And every person who you feel hurt you, judged you, abandoned you, rejected you, has given you an gift…the gift of discovering who you think you are and how you came to believe these things. Even in the most hurtful situations, there is knowledge to help you discover who you truly are, to question and challenge what you believe. Are you really too sensitive, too gullible, unlovable, too trusting, not trusting enough? These are probing questions that you may not be able to answer right away but with courage and the will to change, you will move towards self awareness and self love.
I’d like to say that it’s OKAY to be alone. How it’s an opportunity to examine and reflect on what patterns are taking place within you. 70% of our self talk is negative...YUP. And when we stop participating in our behaviour and observe, we are always given clues as to the belief that frustrates and sabotages our efforts to be loved. It’s all about SELF LOVE. It’s about SELF ESTEEM. How can you expect to be loved if you don’t have a definition within yourself of what that it. We are creatures of habit and the habits are subconscious. We repeatedly look for relationships that we think defined us as children. Like when I dealt with a woman who as a child, when spanked by Daddy, he told her that he’s doing it because he loves her. She came to see me because all her relationships were physically abusive and she could not understand why she couldn’t break the cycle. Her belief was that punishment was love!!!! It isn’t logical. It’s emotional.
Coming to the conclusion that you’re had enough of the jealousy, the hurt, the abuse takes time..time OUT to be introspective. It’s like a beautiful piece of music. What makes it beautiful is not the notes themselves but the silence between them; these give the music meaning. Otherwise, without them, it’s just a lot of noise.
Jealousy is also about your sense of worth. The trust issue is NOT about the other person. It is about not trusting yourself when analyzing love relationships. I’ve had many clients who SUSPECT they are being cheated on and go to great lengths to justify it....checking phone logs, emails, desk drawers. They become master sleuths. However, 90% of the time it’s unwarranted. It’s the clients themselves that are insecure, that have a belief that ultimately they are not loveable, or worthy of love. It’s not about the other person ever. Even if you ARE cheated on, you have to look at the fact that you can only control your own emotions, thoughts and actions. It was not about you. It was about the other person for they controlled their own actions. And if you are falling apart, then again, you need to look inside to see what it’s triggered in you. Perhaps it’s a self belief about your deserving love. And we choose relationships based on our self perpetuating beliefs. i.e. choose an abusive mate because ultimately you think, SUBCONSICOUSLY, that you deserve it, that it’s your fault. It’s like the child who thinks that if she’s perfect, do everything for Mom or Dad, is the best girl/boy, then Mommy or Daddy will love her. But we are not perfect. And ultimately the truth that was unaware to the child is that she was already good enough. But without the right queues, the right guidance, children grow into adults who are insecure when it comes to the heart.
My work is centered around helping clients find these self depreciating beliefs that go back to childhood and reframe the context of the events with the truth. We can’t change what happened as it’s in the past. But we can change how you perceived the event, how you felt, to finally understand that the program playing year after year was faulty. That the truth has always been that everyone has the right to love, safety (physical and emotional) and validation by maternal and paternal figures. That if this was not the case, it is by no fault of the child but of the adults who themselves where not taught these basic tenets. By way of healing the past, you are free to define your future from a place, in the now, that is strong and purposeful. When you heal yourself, when you feel you have the right to put yourself first out of love and respect, then you are ready to invite loving relationships into your life.